I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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