i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
