It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
