wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
