Will you blow on my dice?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
