Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
