Jerry, you need to find god
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
