I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
