If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
