her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
