I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
