he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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