He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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