Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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