3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
