Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I did not marry a roomba.
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