The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
