It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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