Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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