Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
