....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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