If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
