just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
