my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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