Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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