she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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