My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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