i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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