if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
