mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
