It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
