I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
