I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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