Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
