I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
