Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
