She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think i got beer on your cat.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
