I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
