i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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