so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
