My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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