I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
