Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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