Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
