I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
