If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
