Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
smell my finger.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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