mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
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My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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