Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
