Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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