I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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