So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
