I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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