One girl and one boy is just not enough.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
