Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
