that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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