Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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