My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
