So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
