even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
