The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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